In other words, yesterday I went shopping at THE MALL.

In a desperate attempt to buy some new clothes I actually drove to the dreaded mall, a place I had not frequented in many years.  But with the disappearance of Zulilly, my go-to online store, I was left with little to wear for spring and summer.  My latest trips to Kohl’s and Walmart, my other go-to stores, had been disappointing.

In the quest to up my game and look halfway trendy, I had been trying to decide what colors looked good on me.  I’d watched You tube clips for instruction, but whether I was a Spring, Summer, Winter or Autumn remained a mystery.

White hair and old age will do that to you.

But I did have a plan.  I would first go to the make up counter (Bobbie Brown, to be precise) and ask the expert for help.  I would also make sure my make up was the right color, buy a new blush, etc.  With knowledge in hand (blue undertone or yellow undertone?)–and my face the right shade of beige–I would then wander every single aisle in the Women’s Department to find tops and perhaps a sundress or two that would complement my newly glowing skin and shining eyes.

Unfortunately the make up lady wasn’t coming in to work until 12:45, so I had to change the plan.  I shopped through acres of ugly clothes and found very few possibilities.  Oh, I tried on ten or twelve things hoping they would look better when off the hanger, but they looked worse.

My mother and her best friend Mary used to love to shop at Macy’s.  They would giddily buy things and then meet up a few days later to return everything and start over again.  I often drove, held armloads of clothes, helped out in the dressing room and, when they were paying for their new (temporary) outfits, I would flee to the food court for a cold drink and a few minutes of quiet reflection.

I swear, their ghosts were with me yesterday.  I tiptoed past the thick rows of Clearance racks, just in case.  Surrounded by an acre of expensive clothes I would never wear I almost had a breakdown by display of Nautica knit slacks.

And then it was time to return to Bobbie Brown.  Unfortunately there was another old lady ahead of me.  So I roamed around the store a bit more and then…yet another old lady was being helped.  The Bobbie Brown expert was apologetic and offered a seat, which I gratefully took.  The woman upon my hopes had been placed was around eighty, with a wig of maroon curls down her back topped with a black beret.  A black mini-dress, tights and a huge rhinestone necklace gave her the look of a senior citizen fairy.  I was highly encouraged and knew such a free spirit would be able to help me find my colors.

No such luck.  She wasn’t the least bit interested in my skin undertones, pronounced my current foundation perfect, brushed on a new blush that we both agreed was too light, told me to keep and use my six year old blush until it wears out, and offered to pick out a new lipstick color.  She also said, when asked about what colors she would recommend I wear, said, “Oh, there are no rules!  Wear what you want!”

Well, that’s certainly true.  But I am tired of wearing things that don’t look so great just because they were the only things I could find at TJMaxx when going naked or wearing Banjo Man’s rejected sweaters were not an option.

After all this excitement, I trudged down to the Food Court for a hamburger.  And then I perused the mall for more clothing stores.  The few stores with clothes were designed for teenage hookers, so I took a right and went to JC Penny’s, where once again I tried on an armload of clothes.

I did buy two tops and two t-shirts.  One of the tops was pronounced “just okay” by the woman manning the cash register, and “meh” by my daughter when I sent her a selfie from the dressing room.  But I bought it anyway.  The other I grabbed at the last minute and didn’t try on.  So they might both go back to the store after I try them on in my bedroom.

I discovered I look good in dark blue.  Period.  I came home with a $9.99 t-shirt in that color.   And I racked up over 5000 steps on my Fitbit, a personal best for the winter.

Will I be going to the mall again?  I don’t think so.  My “Quest To Look My Best” is on hold.