TO WHOMEVER IT MAY CONCERN:
I am not an alarm clock. I can get myself to where I need to be, and I will be on time, but the rest of the world is on their own. I will stand at the front door admiring my new ebay cowboy boots at departure time, but I will no longer yell, “Fifteen minutes! Ten minutes! Five minutes!” like a damn train conductor.
I am not Google. Yes, I love to research and yes, I can scan info at lightning speeds, but it’s time for everyone to DIY. I do not know when the dump opens. Or closes. Or if it’s open on Sunday. I don’t know when your favorite televisions shows are on, or if they’re a repeat, or a two-hour special. I don’t know what to do with leeks or flax seeds and I can no longer operate the bread machine. In fact, there are lots of things like that I don’t know. Billions, even.
I am not Travelocity. I do not memorize anyone’s flight schedules, either departing or arriving. I do not memorize the airline either. Yes, I used to do that, but I’m 60 now and my brain prefers to hold onto more important details, such as where I left my sunglasses and if I took my antidepressant today.
I am not Saint Anthony: If you are three thousand miles away and have lost something, I cannot find it, even if I pray.
I am not Verizon; I don’t know why your cell phones are uncooperative. I can barely operate my own and I don’t care when I can’t.
I am not Fios; you and the DVR must make peace with each other. The remote is your friend, not your enemy. There are only so many times I can say, “Push the red button to record.”
I am not psychic: I don’t know what you did with your car keys. Or your wallet. Or the portable phones. Or that piece of paper with someone’s name on it. I do not know where the lemon that was on the top shelf of the refrigerator went to. Or how old the Paul Newman salsa is.
I am not Gordon Ramsay. Because I deal with three microwaves, five ovens, four refrigerators, two freezers, seven crockpots, three blenders and two food processors in three different states, I can’t instantly remember how to operate, clean or repair any of them.
I will, however, always be happy to make you a cup of coffee from the Keurig while we read the manuals, play with the remotes, find the phones, print out airline tickets, google, watch television and check to see what time it is. Together.
Note: Banjo Man thinks this is a little hostile and wants you all to know he is praying to Saint Anthony to help me find all of the patience I seem to have lost.