waiting for the next shoe to drop

braveverb [ T ]US/breɪv/

to deal with dangerous or difficult things without fear:

Brave? This is so not me. Not even close. I’m shaking in my boots 24/7. Since this whole thing began the information on this cancer has gone from bad to worse to pretty damn terrifying, along with the aborted surgery and yesterday’s emergency visit from the visiting nurse (pain and fainting are not a good combo, but Gatorade saved the day). I get my drains out this morning, which is a good thing, but in my present state of nervousness I assume that something–anything–will go wrong.

As I explained to Banjo Man last night, I’d decided weeks ago not to be brave or courageous dealing with this cancer. I don’t need the extra work of pretending “I got this” with a smile on my face and a reassuring wave to family and friends.

Nope. The thing is, I have no control over this disease or the processes by which it will be attacked. I have no control over how long chemo will last or how quickly I’ll lose my hair. Will I have radiation first? Be sick as a dog? Gain or lose weight from the drugs? Be able to go to Texas for Christmas (I frenetically bought the tickets on my phone the hour they were released from Southwest, between a cat scan and a bone scan)?

Clueless.

And as a friend reminded me, because I am such a “planner” this is especially difficult.

Rosemary the Visiting Nurse worriedly asked if I was a high anxiety kind of person. I did laugh at that. Uh, no, Rosemary. Just the opposite. Until I got cancer and had my breast sliced off!

So maybe in a year or two I’ll be spouting the benefits of green smoothies, running a marathon while wearing a pink tank top, and waving cheerfully to those folks cheering on the sidelines. It’s a pleasant vision, but for now–today–I’ll settle for a day with no surprises.

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8 Responses to waiting for the next shoe to drop

  1. Pat says:

    Here’s to a boring and totally predictable day. You may not think you’re brave, but you are. And whatever happens… You Got This!

  2. Ellie says:

    More Pie, you are brave! Reality is settling in,and yes, you have no control over it. The only thing to do is fight and fight with all you have to get back to Idaho next summer. I am grateful that you have Glen as your caregiver. He will do his best to help you through this time. He adores you💕
    I learned pretty quickly if you overdo, you will pay with pain…..just saying because I know you.
    Love you bunches DMP

  3. Ruth says:

    My dear friend…I feel your outrage and want to scream against the wind with you. I can only say that I know your strength in the face of adversity…your history speaks to your amazing will. You are stronger than cancer. You are stronger than most people I know. Most people…period.

    Once upon a time. I read a story about an extraterrestrial who could put his hands on a person who was suffering and take their pain and sickness Into himself, leaving the human illness free. If I could do that for you…I would do it.

  4. Marjorie Fridrich says:

    Thank you for sharing the reality of it all. Do keep it up and scream at us when you feel like it. I concur with the words and thoughts of your friends.
    And I so wish you a peaceful heart.

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