I’m not sure where you are and whether or not you’ve tried “online ordering” from your local grocery store, but let me tell you:  it’s an adventure.

The first time we received our delivery, a young couple employed by Instacart shopped for us.  While they were in the store, they sent me texts to ask if they could replace what I’d ordered with something else.  There were quite a few things that were not available.  It worked great, despite the gaps.  They wore gloves and were very careful to leave our groceries in the driveway while we watched from eight feet away.

Last week we tried again.  I carefully checked the “No Replacements” boxes on the things I was particular about.

That didn’t make any difference to “Kenneth”, who arrived gloveless and maskless and in old overalls.  He was cheerful as he stumbled to our door but didn’t seem to understand the “social distancing” part of the directions.  I backed up into the house and he dropped the bags by the door.

“Dropped”, as in two dozen eggs.  He opened them to check they hadn’t broken.  He touched my eggs with his bare fingers.

This means I will have to wash my hands after cracking every egg.

He replaced my Twinkies (do not judge–they are for emergency meltdowns) with purple “Snowballs”.  He replaced our bags of Brussels sprouts with those with cheese sauce.  He replaced spinach and broccoli with assorted frozen mixed vegetables.  He did this all without asking/texting.  And I was stuck with it.

The Snowballs went into the trash.  We’re eyeing those cheese-sauce-coated vegetables with suspicion, but they’re in the freezer.  We cleaned every single thing Kenneth brought us with Clorox wipes.

This week we finally scored a spot at Walmart for “pick up” (which took two days of trying).  I’ve ordered the basics:  lemons, oranges, yogurt, potatoes, frozen blueberries, onions, butter and an UNO card game.  They are out of lemons and potatoes, but we’re not discouraged.  On Sunday afternoon we’ll head to Walmart at 3 PM and see what we get.

We’ve been religiously practicing self-quarantining for four weeks.  FOUR WEEKS!  So we are healthy and safe.

And no matter what weirdness ends up in our grocery bags, that’s all that matters.

Stay home.  Stay safe.  This can’t last forever.