is there any more pie?

the bride and banjo man

Posted on May 30, 2012 by is there any more pie?

Digging weeds.
Shopping for plants.
Planting the plants.
Watering grass seed.
Moving ladders.
Raking leaves.
Hauling gravel.
Moving dirt.
In other words, getting ready for the wedding!

Posted in rhode island, wedding | Leave a comment

how old is judi dench?

Posted on May 28, 2012 by is there any more pie?

Is she older than Bill Nighy? A lot older? Or has he had “work done” (my guess) and looks better preserved??

We saw the movie “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel” two weekends ago. We drove north to the Big Suburb and went to the wrong multiplex theater (my fault) and, on our way to our second-guess multiplex theatre, I called 411 to get the movie info. I won’t detail the frustration of the 3 calls to 411 for a freakin’ phone number, or the rap music that played a commercial before the automated movie info came on, or the hysteria I felt when the fake “voice” kept asking me for the name of the movie, which I couldn’t remember.

I never did get the info, and by the time I stopped hyperventilating we had arrived at theatre #2. Turned out the 4:30 PM Saturday night show was packed with a lot of gray-haired people like us. We raced in as the movie began and then found a seat in the top row. Pant, pant.

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel was a sweet movie. If you’re a BBCA fan or you love British shows, you’ll recognize the actors, who were wonderful. I’m not sure it will do a lot for India tourism, but then again, maybe it will.

I didn’t have any popcorn or chocolate-covered raisins, so I became obsessed with wondering how old the actors were. Had they been cast correctly? Were the relationships believable? Has Judi Dench gained weight or was that padding underneath her gauzy Indian shirt? I wanted the blouse that the Bitchy Woman wore–I swear it was a Liberty of London print. Damn that fabric envy.

Why does Maggie Smith always get the best lines???? The rest of the cast must have been jealous. I love her.

I want to shop in the Indian markets. With Bill Nighy and Banjo Man. Look at the colors!!!

I want a British accent. And I think everyone in India should have new brooms (if you see the movie you’ll know what I mean) or just give up sweeping altogether.

Look at the fabrics!!!

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if this iris could talk

Posted on May 26, 2012 by is there any more pie?

if this iris could talk, it would tell you that its little plant family came to our front garden in Rhode Island in Banjo Man’s suitcase.

if this iris could talk, it would tell you that its little plant family spent a hundred years growing against Banjo Man’s parents’ and grandparents’ farmhouse in Nebraska.

if this iris could talk, it would tell you that its little plant family traveled from Missouri to Nebraska via wagon train at the end of the nineteenth century.

we don’t know where it was before that, but if this iris could talk it might whisper a rumor about daniel boone.

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getting ready for the wedding

Posted on May 25, 2012 by is there any more pie?

There was no banjo-playin’ last weekend for Banjo Man.

The father-of-the-bride is the busiest person at our house. He wanted me to go with him to a local garden center to pick out the exact shade of impatiens to match the bride’s bouquet. I’m embarrassed to admit I had a small anxiety attack–I was in the middle of finishing a difficult synopsis and still in my jammies at 11 AM–so Banjo Man kindly retracted the invitation. I in turn rummaged through my stacks of quilting fabrics to find the right shade of pink so he could take fabric to the garden store and not me. Clever, huh???

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life’s a beach

Posted on May 24, 2012 by is there any more pie?

Last week, while cleaning my teeth, the dental hygienist asked me if I spent a lot of time outdoors. I sort of nodded and went, “Uhnn” and she assumed I’d said, “Hot damn, I sure do!”
She explained she’d recently read that people who spend time outside enjoying nature are healthier and happier and smarter and take less medication. And she knew that I must love the outdoors, because I go out west so much. Hmmm….
I did admit that I liked to spend time sitting on the dock, watching the boats go by and worrying about people tipping over their kayaks.
I didn’t tell her I like to sit outside on the deck of The Pantry and eat ice cream and watch the trucks go by, that my biggest hiking trip is going from the dock to the house, that camping equals hell.
Thank God she didn’t ask me about gardening.
To prove I actually do enjoy nature (in my own way) I’m going to share photos I took at the lake two weeks ago.

Mom and Dad enjoying a cool afternoon by the water.

Look. Naptime.
Uh-oh. The kids just woke up. No, don’t pop out from underneath those nice warm feathers!

Okay, back in the water, all nine of you! Stay together, follow Mom and keep the chirping down.

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no one wants to read about this

Posted on May 23, 2012 by is there any more pie?

1. If you think you’re having a nervous breakdown over the upcoming wedding ceremony in the backyard, even though your daughter is marrying the perfect guy for her and your husband is doing all the yard work and one of your very best friends is flying 3000 miles to help you decorate, should you:

a) have your thyroid tested again
b) have your hormones tested again
c) buy a bottle of tequila and learn how to relax
d) browse more wedding blogs and websites
e) thank everyone who is helping you and, for heaven’s sake, get a grip!

2. If you are depressed and cranky because you are not losing weight despite two years of dieting, exercising, spinach, diet pills, insulin medication, Dr. Oz supplements and bean soups, should you:

a) stop eating fruit
b) buy Spanx
c) have your thyroid tested again–for gout?
d) have your hormones tested again–too much estrogen?
e) give up, eat ice cream and buy housedresses at Walmart: embrace your Inner Granny
f) order more Kindle books on thyroid and hormone issues because doctors really enjoy hearing what you found on the internet

3. If your brain is lethargic, foggy and confused, if you can’t remember how to cook, if you have family coming for the wedding week and need to make do-ahead party food for 40 people for the after-the-wedding party and yet can’t compose a grocery list even though your husband has inventoried everything in the freezer to make it easier, should you:

a) have your hormones tested again–for lack of progesterone?
b) have your thyroid tested again–it’s a mysterious little bugger!
c) start drinking coffee with caffeine
d) browse cooking websites and try not to fall asleep at the desk

4. If your brain is lethargic, foggy and confused, but you have to expand a 10-page concept to a 20 page synopsis and write concepts and characters for two more books in order to sign a new three-book deal and it should have been finished 10 days ago and you used to be smart but now you can’t even compose a grocery list, should you:

a) test the freakin’ hormones and thyroid and anything else that courses through your 60-year old bloodstream yourself by buying your own test kit on the internet and skipping the whole begging-the-doctor scenario?
b) stop feeling sorry for yourself and just write the damn synopsis while eating a $4.00 bag of Lay’s Original Potato Chips and drinking Diet Coke from the gas station
c) stop setting the alarm for 5:30 AM, stop exercising, stop cleaning the kitchen, stop writing and instead plug the violin into the amplifier and play “Midnight on the Water” very, very loudly over and over again until you get a new book idea
d) count the hours until the American Idol finale

That’s it, folks. Tomorrow I will show photos of baby geese. For now, here are turtles. The two on the left are waiting for the results of their thyroid tests. The two on the right are having hot flashes and wondering why they bothered getting out of the water. One of them is craving flies.

Posted in personal female whining | 3 Comments

strange craving for strawberry pie

Posted on May 22, 2012 by is there any more pie?

This didn’t work out.

I baked the pie shell (lined with aluminum foil, filled with beans). I mashed and cooked 2 cups of fresh strawberries. I drained it, added sugar and cornstarch and boiled and stirred and all that good stuff.

I tried to arrange the berries in a pretty, Martha-Stewart-like way. That didn’t work, because I was running out of patience. I poured the beautiful thick glaze over everything and chilled the pie for the required three hours.

It didn’t work out: the crust was dry, the glaze soupy, the strawberries too sweet.

I made a creole bean recipe in the crock pot. That didn’t work out either. I threw it all in the garbage. On the same pie-baking, bean-cooking day, I made pizza dough in the bread machine. And–you guessed it–that didn’t work out. I had to add a ton of flour and the pizza just didn’t taste all that great: the pesto needed salt, I was low on cheese, the dough had no flavor.

So…I may have to stay at my desk and write from now on. It’s safer here, in the land of romance and Montana and happy endings.

The Cooking Fairy has left the building.

Posted in food, personal female whining | 1 Comment

flustered

Posted on May 21, 2012 by is there any more pie?

I don’t know how to decorate a fence for an outdoor wedding ceremony.

I actually don’t know how to decorate *anything* for an outdoor wedding.

It’s not my thang. While I own 8 (maybe 11) tiered plate holders, 5 sets of china, three punch bowls and a gazillion other little glass/china/silverplate thingies, plus dozens of vintage tablecloths in every color you can imagine, gussying up the yard is out of my comfort zone.

The bride, my lovely daughter, is freaking out right now as she reads this on her smartphone. [I’m sorry, honey. Nobody’s perfect. We’ll get it figured out and it will be beautiful.]

If anyone out there has any ideas, websites to pass along, suggestions, inspiration, etc. for my fence and my stairs, please please please share!!!!

Yes, I know I need to paint the back deck. I have ordered a power washer from amazon.com.

Do I buy 1000 yards of white tulle? Pots of pink flowers that look like Gerbera daisies (I can’t remember the name, but I saw them at the garden center last year)? The bride likes butterflies. And salmon pink. And hot pink. And white. And sparkly things.

Where the ceremony will take place:

Where the bride will enter with her father:

Where the guests will enter:

The ceremony will be small, about 20 people. And then we will go to a local restaurant for lunch and photographs and cake.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted in wedding | 6 Comments

the road to bacon

Posted on May 19, 2012 by is there any more pie?

“What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?”

Well, Banjo Man, I want to eat bacon. I want to go out to breakfast and eat bacon.

“Okay.” Banjo Man resisted telling me the evil damage that fried pork products could do to my health, but it was on the tip of his tongue, it really was. “Okay,” he repeated. “Any place in mind?”

I really want to go to the Pack River Store. I really want to go to breakfast at the Pack River Store and eat bacon. And I want to go out to breakfast at the Pack River Store at 8 AM so we can get a table and won’t have to wait outside while other people eat bacon.

“Are you sure you don’t want to go to town for brunch? Or lunch? Or to the Floater for the Mother’s Day Brunch?” I knew what he was thinking: fruit. Fancier places would have fruit and oatmeal and yogurt and egg-white omelets.

ARE YOU LISTENING??????!!!!!! (I didn’t really yell at him, honest, but in my head it was a great big roar). I really want to go to the Pack River Store. I really want to go to breakfast at the Pack River Store and eat bacon. And I want to go out to breakfast at the Pack River Store at 8 AM so we can get a table and won’t have to wait outside and smell other people’s bacon.

“Got it.”