is there any more pie?

There are five weeks left on The Bachelor, before Farmer Chris picks a future wife and returns to the cornfields of Iowa.  I will be watching the finale in Austin, unfortunately.  I say “unfortunately” because Story Man (aka Son #2) owns an old box television the size of budget microwave.  The remote doesn’t work, except to increase or decrease the volume.  It’s difficult to see and even harder to hear.

But I will watch the finale and grumble to myself.  Hopefully  Story Man will be at work and won’t hear me badmouth his television again.   So…let me give you an update on how my “Iowa Wife Picks” are doing so far:

Whitney

Whitney, the fertility nurse with the high voice, is still a front runner.  She and Chris “crashed” a wedding on their one-on-one date and the Bachelor clearly had a wonderful time.  He was extremely affectionate, pulling her in for real kisses and embraces, at the end of the date.  She hasn’t been shown much since then, which is another clue that she might end up F1 (Final 1), because the show likes to hide the winner and keep viewers guessing.  She received the Group Date Rose Monday night and has been shown to be mature and classy, despite having to deal with the Crazy Mean Girls in the house.  She is getting a good edit, which means she is Final 2 or in the running to be the next Bachelorette.  Since she is not at all Bachelorette material, I vote she’s the winner–or runner up.

Kaitlyn

Kaitlyn is still funny, dropping her bikini pants on a “lake camping date” and always having something snarky to say.  Chris likes her, obviously.  I personally think she’s auditioning for the Bachelorette (who is always selected from the preceding Bachelor show), but that’s going to be an uphill climb.  I don’t think she has over-the-top physical chemistry with the Farmer, but he always has a good time when she is around.  She makes him laugh.  Men like that!

Jade

Jade won the Princess Date last week–and she was selected by the Farmer’s three sisters as a good match for him. I think they liked her freckles and the fact that she was from a small town in Nebraska.  What they didn’t know is that she has been arrested several times for theft, has a DUI, and makes her living from modeling nude.  If you google her you can see all of her lady bits on display…over and over again. I think Chris is in for quite a surprise, because I think she is in the top 4 right now.

Becca

Becca is nice, normal and mostly silent. If she is F1 she is getting the stealth edit, a romance that no one has seen develop.  I hope we see some one-on-one dates soon.  I’d like to watch for physical chemistry and if she and Chris are able to carry on a conversation.

Britt

Britt is making my skin crawl. She sleeps with her make up on–glitter eye shadow and pink lipstick, no less–“just in case” there is an early-morning surprise date with the Bachelor.  And guess what?  There was!  Despite crying to the other girls about her fear of heights, she joyfully jumps into a hot air balloon with Chris in New Mexico.

Not so terrified of heights now?

This is one of my pet peeves about this show: women who are afraid of something are thrust into dates doing the one thing they are afraid of.  I know they fill out intensive questionnaires and must list “greatest fears”, then the producers arrange dates that feature those fears for the most dramatic impact.  I’ve yet to see one of these women refuse to bungee jump off a bridge or climb the Eiffel Tower or rappel down a building or leap into a frigid lake. Instead they blink back tears and tell the camera–and the Bachelor–that they can do anything because “he” is with them.

Are you kidding me?????  Grow a pair, ladies.  Refuse to jump off the cliff.   Suggest going out to dinner and drinking wine instead.   Tell your date (a man who is also dating fifteen other women) that you are not crazy enough to jump/leap/dive/climb and risk death. Does self-preservation go out the window when dating an attractive, wealthy, single man? (Oh, wait, I forgot about the idiot in Fifty Shades of Gray).

If I were forty pounds lighter and forty years younger and Bradley Cooper asked me out and said, “I have a really great date planned.  We’re going to Reptile World to play with the snakes!” I would get out of the car really fast.

Really, really fast.

Bradley Cooper and his snake could find someone else to play with on a Saturday night.

Back to Britt: She is a waitress in Los Angeles (which means ACTRESS!!!!) and I think she plans to be the next Bachelorette.  She grows more artificial in each show and this past Monday I wished someone would hold her down and wash the goop off her face so we could see what she really looks like.  I hope she’s not the next Bachelorette, because I don’t think I could watch.  And that would be sad for me and for Banjo Man.

Kelsey

Okay, here comes crazy. I was really wrong with this pick.  Kelsey is officially insane.  Last week she was miserable about having to go camping (and I can identify with that) and pretended to be happy when talking to Chris.  Fake.  If you’re going to hate camping, Kelsey, own it!!!!

This week she “shared her story” with Chris, surprising him in his hotel room so she could get him alone and tell him about how her husband dropped dead on an Austin street eighteen months ago.  Then she pounced on the Bachelor and forced a few kisses out of him, though the man was clearly not into her.  Later she gleefully told the camera that she “loves” her “story”.  Huh?  She confides that she will definitely get a rose at the rose ceremony because her story is so good and she is such a strong person, blah, blah.  Crazy eyes!

Kelsey is not happy.

She then collapsed on the floor before the rose ceremony.  Panic attack?  Or a timely dramatic scene to get attention?  This young woman needs to go home and get into counselling, asap.

This was one strange episode. Chris is not a lively, chatty bachelor and does not exude drama.  So the producers, knowing they have a Nice Farmer Guy, have ramped up the crazy girls in the house. We have Ashley, the Kardashian look-a-like with a belly ring (on the first night she told Chris to “rub it for good luck” and then proceeded to eat his face) who repeatedly tells everyone she is a virgin.

Ashley I. and her belly button ring driving a tractor.

I don’t think she’s a virgin.

There is sweet Jade, the nude model for Playboy.  This is the most tasteful photo I could show you from the online Playboy site.  You’ll have to google the rest yourself if you’re really curious.

Jordan, who was drunk for the first two (three?) episodes, returned to ask for another chance (she didn’t get it). There was another Ashley, who clearly shouldn’t combine alcohol and anti-psychotic meds.

Ashley S. might need hospitalization when this show is over.

Mackenzie, who is twenty one and looks fourteen and has an 18 month old son named Kale (Kale? Huh?), acts like she is in junior high and gets upset when anyone else kisses her boyfriend. She also likes to talk about aliens (the ones from space).

Monday’s episode featured the most awkward one-on-one date in Bachelor history: a session with a Santa Fe “love guru”. Poor Carly won hearts by putting a stop to the guru’s commands and admitting she was uncomfortable removing her clothing. Chris was relieved and thrilled to spend time with someone normal.  I like Carly.  She could be a fan favorite and end up as the next Bachelorette instead of Fake Britt From L.A.

Carly’s love guru date.

 I can’t wait for next Monday.  The program ended with a paramedic hovering over a collapsed, moaning Kelsey while Chris hid in the garden and cancelled the cocktail party.  I think he’s grown tired of the drama and just wants to go back to Iowa.

I can’t blame the guy.