is there any more pie?

I ordered the most beautiful, odd, gorgeous chandelier from Wayfair.com last month. The whole lamp-ordering thing made me more than a little nervous. What if I ordered the wrong thing and had to live with it until I died? What if I hated it and I had to look at it every freakin’ day?

My friend Ruth heard me stressing over this and said, “Just buy what you love and it will be fine. Who cares if it matches anything?”

Well, I took her advice. I loved this darn chandelier and it was in the “bronze family”, which meant it wouldn’t clash with the light over the dining room table. I wanted “bling”. I wanted “fancy”. I wanted something…different.

I opened the box yesterday morning and saw the pretty frame. Underneath was a box containing 178 glass balls, a bag of u-shaped wire thingies and various other pieces only an electrician could identify. The directions said to insert one end of the wire into the glass ball and bend it, then insert the other end into the little hole in the frame and twist.

It took me almost all day. At first I sat on the floor. Then I moved the whole process to a table. It’s a good thing I like intense craft projects, because this one was a challenge. Banjo Man gave me his needle nose pliers and I positioned a couple of lights so I could see what I was doing.

One-hundred and seventy glass balls were individually wired onto the lighting fixture. It’s quite impressive. Banjo Man keeps staring at the finished product and muttering, “What the hell is that going to look like when there are lights in it?”

We are definitely going to need to put this on a dimmer, because we’re going to sparkle.

I am also going to buy one heck of a feather duster.

See this guy? He’s in Lowe’s and he’s holding his favorite tile for the back splash of our new kitchen. He is also holding my copper vase, the one I use to store my favorite kitchen utensils.

I brought it to Lowe’s to help pick out the right colored counter. Because I do so love copper. I don’t want to polish it all that much, but I like having it around.

This photo was taken in Hour 3. Yes, HOUR THREE. That’s how long this process took. Want to know why? Because Banjo Man would not leave the store until I had picked out a counter top.

He was very nice about it. Very patient. But I should have known there was an ulterior motive involved when he suddenly decided to accompany me on my latest search for the Holy Grail of counter material.

Lowe’s had a sale on granite, but the seven colors available were not even close to being right for us, damn it. We looked at other granite, the stuff not on sale, but no one could find the prices for us. It turned out to be hidden in a corner next to the Formica samples, which I wouldn’t think was the greatest planning on Lowe’s part, but what do I know? I’m only a white-haired consumer with a checkbook and a budget.

Speaking of budget, I’d received the bids for a white quartz, a brown quartz and a brown Formica. $4600, $4500, and $2000 respectively. Does that sound insane to you?

I could have bought an elderly Toyota Highlander for the price of white marble-ish quartz, all 29 square feet of it. As I said to Banjo Man last week, does it make sense to spend thousands on a counter only to put a $60 microwave on top of it?

I’d rather have a second car.

As Banjo Man grew tired of looking at the granite (the pretty ones were not in my budget–I was determined to stick to my own self-imposed number) and the expensive quartz and Lowe’s brand of “solid surface” (aka Corian), he plopped on a chair there at the design counter and checked out emails and stock market reports on his phone.

I continued to agonize. When I mentioned leaving and going home to “think about it”, he explained we weren’t leaving until I’d made a decision. He didn’t even care what it was, but I had to decide once and for all because time was running out. As was his will to live.

We eventually settled on a brown-flecked compromise that was restful and calm and way below the budget. I think this must be a new product line for Lowe’s because I didn’t see it months ago when I first started looking.

This picture doesn’t show the real color. It was taken under fluorescent lighting and is therefore washed out.

We were exhausted. When we finally got home we heated up some leftovers and collapsed into our chairs to watch Survivor and go to bed early.

We might be too old for all of this. Please tell me it will be nice when it’s all done.

Yes, indeed. When you expect 36″ high cabinets and the order was mistakenly sent (by the know-it-all kitchen designer from the local cabinet store) for 30″ cabinets, a wrench is thrown in the remodel schedule.

They’d installed two cabinets before the contractor, fortunately arriving at just the right time to check on things, and I caught the mistake.

So we’re now behind a week. Fortunately the crew of so-sweet young men are installing the lower cabinets and seem unfazed by the change in plans.

Nels, second-in-command, brought me two enormous rings of laminate samples for the counter. I am drowning in them, having sent away for samples from Formica and Wilsonart seven times. I have decided not to decide for a while. Not until the floors are in.

Deciding not to decide is very restful. I wonder what other things in my life I can decide not to decide.

My fallback choice is Colorcore 2 New White. In case I have a total breakdown between now and the time Nels needs an answer, Banjo Man has permission to order white without getting in trouble when I recover my mind and begin to function again.

We now have white ceilings. This is momentous, folks. If you’ve ever painted a ceiling or hired it done, you know that nothing is whiter or cleaner or more beautiful.

Yesterday was another busy “let’s get this stuff picked out once and for all” kind of day. We would hit the road early, head north to Stone Depot, stare at large slabs of overpriced rock and find a cheap place to eat lunch.

And then Banjo Man realized he had no access to his upstairs closet. It was taped off. Other than the crummy work pants he was wearing, he had no pants.

Now I’ve spent two years dealing with my ancient mother’s demands and complaints regarding pants. She never thinks she has any…or they are too big…or too small…or the wrong color…etc. Sometimes I order pants online. Sometimes my sister-in-law does (as she has spent several summers listening to the Pants Complaints). Most of the time they have to be shipped back to whatever store they came from. I have taken my mother to Macy’s and to Kohl’s and to Penny’s to search for the elusive pair of perfect pants. Whenever she stares at me and declares, “I need pants” chills run down my spine and my soul shrivels.

Not. Kidding.

So for Banjo Man to need pants? It was a bit unsettling. But I had a Kohl’s coupon and there was an early bird sale going on. I didn’t whine, not even in my head. (Well, maybe I whined in my head a little.)

But first we would stop at the local tile store and see what products they had. Banjo Man was worn down and tired of hearing about my Counter Quest. He was at the weary “buy whatever you want and to hell with the cost” part of the shopping process.

They had a great selection, so we picked out a marble quartz with golden tan swirls, a chocolate brown solid quartz and, after searching through an entire ring of Formica samples, found the one we thought solved our problems: Cocoa Leather. I gave them the measurements of my kitchen and they promised to provide estimates next week.

The store served coffee and muffins, which was welcome. We decided there was no need to go north. Instead we would wait for the estimated costs of our three choices and then decide.

So we bought pants. And went out to lunch. We congratulated ourselves on finding an acceptable and affordable laminate product for the new kitchen. We talked about how beautiful it would be and how perfect it was. And then, returning to the car, we realized we’d forgotten that we had to buy an exhaust fan for over the eventual gas range. It would be installed along with the cabinets this week. So thirty minutes later we were in an appliance store discussing fan suckability and noise-while-sucking.

Very educational. We ordered the fancy one with all the power because I intend to grill a lot of steaks on my new gas griddle element.

By 4:30 I was back in the basement looking up Cocoa Leather–only to discover it had been discontinued.

A pox on Formica!! How could they do this to me!!!

Oh, sure, there are some other choices. But not as good. Not even close to being second best. I may return to solid white and then go crazy with an epic back splash. I just sent away for two more Formica samples, Dark Chocolate in both matte and gloss finishes. I like the idea of the dark wood floors, white cabinets and a lovely darkish brown counter. The Cambria quartz I liked is called “Hazelford”. Tiny black flecks keep it interesting. I’m sure it’s going to cost a small fortune, which I am not going to pay.

So enough babbling here on the blog. It’s raining hard and we’re heading out to hear some bluegrass music tonight.

I’m going to drink a little tequila and celebrate my white ceilings.